'Britain's Got Loot' winner cracks under strain

By our celebrity talent-spotting correspondent,
Peerless Moron

Neil MacGregor, the quiet, unassuming director of the British Museum, who this week shot to global fame as the surprise winner of the popular TV show 'Britain's Got Loot', is said to be cracking under the strain of his sudden global notoriety.

Mr MacGregor beat several high-profile acts to win the coveted award after stunning the judges with the sheer size of his booty. Just seven weeks ago he took to the stage as a shy Scot, little known beyond the walls of his Bloomsbury enclave where he has spent decades secreted away with just mile upon mile of storerooms full of pillaged objects for company.

Although mocked and pilloried when he entered the contest, few people had any idea that the unprepossessing little art historian was in fact sitting on a hoard of treasures that when revealed brought tears to the eyes of the judges and left the British public squirming with embarrassment.

"Poor Little Neil has been under immense pressure," said Simon Codswallop, the chairman of the judges. "We didn't think he'd stand a chance, but when he opened up those Duveen Galleries and showed us his Parthenon Marbles, we realised that his was the most unethical museum in the world. He was a clear winner. No contest."

The runner-up, Little Jimmy Cuno from Chicago, sang a medley of popular hits from the Philippe de Montebello Cultural Property Song Book, including ‘You’ve Lost That Euphronius Feeling,’ and ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’.

Neil MacGregor will be appearing in cabaret from June 20 at the New Acropolis Museum in Athens supported by Rosetta and The Stones.

Peerless Moron

MP who put £22 million Picasso on expenses was "working within the rules," say colleagues

George Rabelais, Conservative MP for Humberside, bought a £22 million Picasso oil painting, Le Gourmand, (above) at Sotheby's last year and then charged the purchase to expenses, it was claimed today.

Accused of abusing the system and robbing the taxpayer, Mr Rabelais insisted that the masterpiece had been bought for his London residence and that at every stage he had worked within the rules laid down by Parliament.

"I paid the requisite buyer's premium at the auction, which is not cheap, I can tell you," Rabelais told a pack of slavering newshounds outside his £100 million Kensington townhouse. Stuffing foie gras between his fleshy lips, a bottle of Bollinger dangling nonchalantly from his silk dressing-gown cord, he bravely defended his purchase. "Frankly I can't understand what all the fuss is about. I mean it's not as if I had the loft insulated. This is a beautiful painting that will enhance my investment portfolio...er, I mean my interior décor which is used for official political functions. I have heads of state round here all the time like that gorgeous pouting Carlo Brunette. You can't have Vettrianos hanging on the wall while you're entertaining lovely people like that."

The revelation is certain to spark fresh controversy after a string of newspaper stories exposed Mr Rabelais's fellow MPs of exploiting the taxpayer through outlandish expenses claims.

Others likely to be hauled before the Commons Committee on Standards in Public Life include Dave Snott, MP for Wolverhampton East, who bought a Damien Hirst-designed diamond-encrusted cage for his daughter's pet hamster; Daphne Scrotum, MP for Stoke Newington, who bought a £13 million life-sized marble statue of the Virgin Enthroned by Michelangelo for the front garden of her terraced house; and Gordon Bennett, MP for Slime-on-the-Wold, who had a penis extension and charged it to the taxpayer.

War on Terroir: 'Wine Flu' spreads through art trade

By our Black Death correspondent Danny Defoe

'Wine flu', a variant strain of swine flu, is spreading like wildfire through the international art trade, according to scientists.

The 'Wine Flu' virus is thought to have originated from a bottle of Château Pétrus purchased at a swanky New York restaurant and has since spread like a contagion among art collectors, art dealers, hedge fund managers and fine art auctioneers.

Thousands of art world luminaries have been affected by the virus which causes them to spend too much money on very bad contemporary art in the misguided belief that it will be a sound investment.

"I've lost millions," said one ailing collector from his bed at New York's Richard Prince Hospital for Tropical Diseases, as a nurse mopped his brow with a limited edition Murakami-branded flannel soaked in Rémy Martin cognac. "I think I caught it from a Russian hedge fund trader just before the Damien Hirst auction last year," moaned the rapidly expiring millionaire. "He persuaded me to invest in contemporary art and now I've lost everything, my marriage, my beach house in the Hamptons, my G3, and now my li....arrrgh, euurghssppp..."

A minute later the man was pronounced dead. His body was promptly doused in quick lime and flung onto a waiting flatbed truck piled high with pin-striped corpses.

In a further development related to the Swine Flu virus, dealers and auctioneers have been advised to destroy any paintings with pigs in them. One London fine art auctioneer said, "It's not as bad as the Mad Cow epidemic when we had to burn thousands of works by Thomas Sidney Cooper, or the Bird Flu outbreak which forced us to incinerate all those lovely Hondecoeters. Fortunately, pigs were never a favourite subject for painters, but we can't be too careful. My advice to collectors is, 'If in doubt, swill it out.'"

Swine Flu has already led to the burning of hundreds of paintings by Francis Bacon, while Ham House in Richmond, West London has been evacuated "as a precaution" according to local councillors.

Smalls are Beautiful:

Cultural heritage memorabilia gives much-needed boost to ailing art market

The extraordinary prices recently achieved for Mahatma Gandhi’s personal effects (above left) has brought a flood of unique cultural heritage memorabilia to auction at a time when the art market is flagging.

Now an opportunity has arisen to acquire underwear worn by some of the greatest artists known to humankind. The following three lots are the highlights of a sale of artists' smalls to be held at Sotheby's New York saleroom in July.

A spokesman for the auction house said, "Some people think we're only interested in the rarefied heights of blue-chip fine art, but actually there are no depths to which we will not stoop to drive revenues and grow shareholder value. If you get the right celebrity thong, it can make a huge packet."

Bernini's codpiece, c.1650 (left)

A true 'masterpiece' of early European underwear, this magnificent studded leather codpiece is said to have been worn by the great Baroque sculptor Gianlorenzi Bernini (1598-1629) while carving the famous Ecstasy of St Theresa in the Cornaro Chapel in Rome. Bears small chisel marks and faint traces of marble dust.
Estimate: $200,000-300,000

Gauguin's Boxer Shorts

A pair of stunningly vivid and typically 'primitive' boxer shorts worn by the great French painter Paul Gauguin while resident in Tahiti in 1895. Gauguin gave the shorts to his landlord in lieu of rent. Thence by descent to the present vendor. A little baggy around the gusset but otherwise in excellent condition and a supreme example of post-Impressionist underclothing.
Estimate $1.5-2.5 million

Donatello's thong

An extraordinary survival from the highpoint of the Italian Renaissance, this diminutive item of playful male apparel was preserved by the sacristan of the Florentine Church of San Lorenzo, with whom Donatello is said to have had a brief, illicit liaison in the 1420s. The great Renaissance sculptor is known to have had a taste for fetishistic underwear as can be seen from his bronze statue of Amor-Atys.
Estimate $800,000-$1.4 million