‘Hirstless’ man found in America

Artist's bid to 'democratise' art market goes awry

By our art market correspondent
Formalda Hyde

An Arkansas man has been confirmed as the only person in the world who does not own a Damien Hirst, according to news reports.

Dwayne Graniteballs: Hirstless

Hirst, who last week sold hundreds of millions of dollars worth of mass-produced ‘art’ at Sotheby’s in London, was said to be baffled as to how someone had managed to evade his attempt to 'democratise' the art market. 

The ‘Hirstless’ man, a Mr Dwayne Graniteballs Jnr of Little Dick, Arkansas, said he had been washing his tractor at the time of the auction and had “stone gone forgotten” to register for a paddle at the record-breaking auction.

“I feel like an asshole,” Mr Graniteballs told reporters. “All mah neighbours keep dronin’ on ‘bout their new butterfly paintings ‘n shit, and all the guys at the yard have got their own veetreen with a dead animal inside, but I got diddly squat.”

Meanwhile, an isolated Inuit community has established a Hirst trading floor in an igloo to promote a secondary market in Hirst’s flying piglet embryos.

“Fleezk nuihsh meemlskrich Melanie Clore feffeffiplich bag roo toto rip-off beks parplichtich magnificent dangling scrotum fefgighlich mmbeling Rrrrroger Bevan bollocks,” said a spokesman for the tribe.

Frank Dunphy is 108.

Put our mini-ad
on your website

home l archive l artists l critics l small ads l dating l links l letters l about