Make
your own Jeff Koons
Public Sculpture!
Follow these simple instructions:
1. Start painting copies of Old Master paintings, just to get a feel for the art thing. Sell them through your Dad’s furniture shop
2.
Go to art school (this bit is not obligatory).
3.
Move to
4.
Compensate for your servile status by
attracting attention through your outrageous clothes and
hairstyles.
5.
Start exploring the Warholian art potential of
inflatable objects – rabbits, flowers, and so forth.
6.
Leave your low-status job and enter the world
of high finance, selling stocks and bonds to fund your
art making.
7.
Place vacuum cleaners, basketballs and other
consumer durables in glass vitrines as ironic
development of the Duchampian Readymade. (Don’t worry
if you don’t understand this concept. The dealers and
curators will.)
8.
Start using psychologically damaged celebrities
in your work. Michael Jackson will do, but the choice is
limitless.
9.
Marry an Italian porn star and have your
hard-core sex sessions photographed in garish,
high-definition C-prints. Sell the prints for huge sums
as daring contemporary art.
10.
Make a balloon dog on your kitchen table (right)
11.
Cover it in nail varnish.
12.
Take it to a bronze foundry with a suitcase
full of cash and ask them to scale it up. Tell them,
‘I want this made big. Really
big’.
13.
Watch it being installed in a major metropolitan
centre (top right) where it wows the crowds,
leading to requests from all over the world for similar
objects .
14.
Employ a vast army of fine art students to meet
demand.
15.
Kick back and watch the cash roll in.
Put our
mini-ad
on your website
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