Sir,
Your piece about the Ikea Challenge to the auction houses is spot on, but omits one important point. Unless the auction houses get rid of the buyer's premium they can expect the migration towards other furnishing outlets to continue apace.
Your man in the Ryvita warehouse with the little brown pencil,
Dave Young,
Brighton

Sir,
Percy Flarge is completely wrong about Philip Davies carving the friezes at the Parthenon. His only known carving is of a rather nice niche at Fortress House. Wasn't he also the architect of the Taj Mahal?
Yours etc, 
Thornton Kay
Salvoweb

Dear Sirs,
I am afraid that I may have some confirmation regarding Percy Flarge's astonishing discovery regarding the Elgin marbles. I purchased a 14" long marble horse ear at a flea market in Izmir in, I think 1968 - yes, the students were anxious that spring - and had it laying around the garden shed for several years more until one day I thought I would clean it up. After a bit of tooth-brushing on the back of the ear, these markings began to stand out: "Phil Phidias, 455, no animals were harmed in the production of this schulpture" (sic).
Yours,
David Clarke
Carbondale, Illinois
http://www.moted.org/

Sir,
We find your references to the Liberty and Livelihood march both tasteless and disrespectful. It is people like you who are responsible for destroying everything of which this country was once proud. You townies come into the countryside with your awful Ford Mondeos and Placenta Previas, get drunk in our delightful heritage pubs and stomp through our model villages breathing in great gusts of our best organic fresh air. But when we march to try and protect our jobs as custodians of that great fecund theme park, you abuse us and deny us our civil rights. Country folk are not anachronistic dinosaurs, we are pillars of the community whose beautiful ancestral homes cost us a small fortune to heat and light. As for conceptual art, it is not worth the paper it's not written on. 
The Rt Hon. Lady Pippa Widebottom
Great Witterer

Sir,
I have just been to see the Lucian Freud exhibition at the Tate gallery and it is very bad indeed. Horrible naked ladies and ugly fat men rendered in thick brown sludgy paint. And they say he is our greatest living painter! It's an outrage!
Rodney Snail
Romford

Sir,
I don't know if any of your readers have made the journey to Ye Olde Tate Gallery in London to see the retrospective of the work of the masterly Lucian Freud, surely the greatest living painter to have ever lived in England, including the dead ones. Ah, the vigour! The energy! The candour! It's almost too much to bear. These so-called conceptualists, such as the dreadful people on your website, should go and take a look at what real art is all about. 
Marjorie Efferveffer
Basingstoke

Sir,
Pleese can you help me? I am a young steudent who has just quallified with 10 graid A GCSEs and althogh I have been granted a place at Oxford, I realy want to be an artist. I've got loads of ideas for works of art that don't even need to be made because their just ideas that people will buy, like that man who rolled up a piece of paper and put it in a gallery and called it art and also put a lump of BlueTak on the wall and called that art too and they both sold to rich collectors. Who should I get in touch with?
Natalie Poltimore
Burton-on-the-Water 

Artnose editor writes: Go back to skool.

Sir,
Why does so much contemporary art seem to have been designed specifically for brainless morons?
Eric Toolsmith
Barnsley

Artnose editor writes: Because it's the brainless morons who have all the money, stupid.

Letters should be addressed to: editor at artnose dot org