Sister Loyola of Estonia's Lonely Arts Page

 email: artnose editor

Dear visitors, welcome to my Lonely Arts page, the section of the Artnose website devoted to all you lonely artists looking for love.

I know what it is like to wander in the wilderness, seeking an oasis of emotional rest. I found it in God, but for you it may reside in carnal pleasure. I'm here to help. 

A word of warning. It is always advisable to make rigorous personal checks before arranging a meeting as there are some pretty weird artists out there. It's a good idea to take your agent with you on the first date to make sure you're not letting yourself in for something you can't get out of later.

Incidentally, I respect your privacy and undertake never to pass on your personal details to third parties. However, I do retain the right to edit all submissions so once again I implore you, no foul language and please refrain from going into graphic detail about your more bizarre personal proclivities. Some of us are mere lambs gambolling in the meadow of the Lord

Pax vobiscum. God bless you all. 

Men seeking women and men

International antiquities curator, 44, married, NSOH, rimless glasses, greying at the temples, wishes to meet single woman in early twenties for fun and frolics. Westchester area. No jailbait, no feminists. Box 232.

Retired Perfomance Artist, 65, would like to meet single men for chainsaw fun. Hong Kong. Box 344.

Single male wants single male for weekends in Bel Air. I also have a house in the woods outside Zurich which needs filling with laughter and conversation. Write Randy at Box 3456.

Take the ribbon from your hair, shake it loose and let it fall...for more of the same, call Gerhard on Munich 31 445 560 55609.

Disillusioned art critic, 56, seeks beautiful young failed female sculptor to enact dramatic mutual suicide pact in Tirgu Jiu. 

Picasso lookalike, 63, short, tanned, hung like a Malaga bull, seeks nubile Lee Miller lookalike for Hitler bathtub fun.

Nick Serota's got nothing on me. Come on ladies, come and get it! Performance artists welcome, heh, heh! Call Obergruppenfuhrer Verfremdung. Box 007.

Recently bereaved Royal Academician, CBE, would like to meet gentle, shy, mature lady for country walks, Elgar, pub lunches, museum visits, wine-tasting, Sunday painting, slide talks, occasional companionable silence and weekly bondage sessions. Box 69. Oxford.

Cyborg Suzi, I long to let your Lacanian langue loose on my Saussurian saucisson. Call me at MIT, Monday. Hal.

Anya, Don't sit under your apple tree with anyone else but me. Williamxxx

Tiny, tricologically-challenged accountant with Jeff Koons complex is looking for liberated long-legged lady with big jugs. Milton. Box 808, New Hampshire.

Virile, North American museum director, 65, recently deaccessioned, lean, tanned and fully-funded, with huge postmodern extension, wishes to meet cute curatoress, 20-25, with exhibitionary complex. Must be into Tony Bennett. Box 2. Ontario.

Norway conceptual body artist, have penthouse overlooking breathtaking Geiranger Fjord with vodka, central heating and razor blades. I need courageful catamite for groundbreaking Documenta project. Call Lars. Box 22, Oslo.

Private collector, Seattle, big fortune, big Gurskys, big future, looking for smart, fit, Californian chick for credibility enhancement on gallery circuit. Pre-nup a pre-requisite. Box 7, Seattle. 

BA, MA, PhD, OBE, RA, RSW, ICA, SLAD, GSOH, MOT, No BSE, 42, seeks female companion, 20-30, NS, 5' 9", 30-25-36, SW or SE, rising slowly, moderate or good. Rain later. Box 19. London.

Desperate Hoxton gallerist looking for company. Anything will do. Conversation, human contact, shoppers, signs of life. Oh my God, why did I move my gallery here? SOS. Box 33, London.

Bashful Bouguereau, seeks cloud-bound vestal virgin for pulchritudinous perversions with a putto.. Box 303, Cleveland.

Professional, educated male, mid-50s, elevated position in culture sector, solvent, quiet, smart, well-groomed, lonely, isolated, stressed and confused, always anxious, increasingly agoraphobic, losing my marbles, seeks Playstation opponents. Box 48, Surrey.

Fine art claims investigator, 5' 1", requires sympathetic female companion for discreet loss adjustment. Ring Donald on San Francisco 00 776 6653 5421

Brainless, cash-strapped fine art database entrepreneur, mid-30s, seeks pouting software princess to unzip my laptop and download my browser. No art historians, no XML developers. Venture capitalists considered. Chuck. Box 121, London.

 Women seeking men and women

Would the blond Adonis who licked a drop of LSD off my Jimmy Choo handbag in Klaus Weber's Public Fountain room at the first London Frieze Art Fair please call Samantha. I'm still smitten. Box 111. Margate.

Polyvalent Conceptualist, 32, wishes to meet strong silent type for noisy watersports. Must be clean and discreet. Boston. Box 2292

Tall, beautiful, raven-haired curvaceous female art historian and collector, 28, multi-lingual, significant private income, judo black belt, juggler, former Argentine Olympic polo team captain, seeks pool guy to wave auction paddles. Interviews in Lausanne Tuesday. No Australians, no beerguts. Call Alessandro for application form. Geneva 7007. 

My body is your software. Download my data honeybun. No nerds or anoraks. Weekends only. Box 222 or send snail mail to Chippette at MIT.

Lonely Austrian performance artist, 53, would like to correspond with Welsh abattoir worker with view to relationship. Heinz, Box 14, Vienna. Photo ensures response. 

Lady, former Carlo Mollino model turned Turin gallerist, is looking for the Venezuelan Anglican bishop in the Paco Rabanne dress who borrowed my lipstick at the Deitch Mori party in November. You left the bag with the polaroids, stupid! Would consider exchanging for the Tillmans print or occasional liaisons. Box 3773, Turin.

Rosie Millard clone seeks Matthew Collings clone for moody media coaching. Big Richard Serra-design sideburns guarantees a date. Box 19, London.

Woman photographer, 56, gentle, caring, sensitive, beautiful, slim, kind, generous, thoughtful, good listener with keen visual awareness, exquisite breasts and significant inheritance would like to meet dashing, young, talented, slim, muscular, athletic, intellectual, well-endowed poet/artist type for weekends in the Hamptons, reading, walking, Tai Chi,  listening to Gorecki. No venture capitalists, stockbrokers or commodity traders. Send genuine photo taken in good light in last six months. Box 999.

Bearded lady wants smooth male. Must have big car. Missouri area. Box 2323

Leading-edge US arts editor, angry and proud of it, seeks servile staple-slave for afternoon ego-massage. Must have heels, long heels, preferably with sharp points, in a shiny silver material with the front cut out and tapering so that the toes are just visible, but not animal skin. No buckles. Sorry. Thanks. Box 100, Los Angeles.

Gorgeous pouting brunette seeks raunchy hedge fund manager to conduct forensic analysis of my balance sheet with view to leveraging my assets. Must have upward growth curve and golden handcuffs. To kick the tyres, call Cindy at New York Mutual Fund 00 212 99987767544.

Me, Frida Kahlo, 44. You, Diego Rivera 22. Venido y pinto mi cuerpo, bebé! Call me now for ice-pick fun and frolics in Honduras. Mexico City 23 23 23 44, ext.88. 

Souren! Wow! What a name! I worship you. The heavyweight prose, the sexy furrowed brow, the uncompromising critical insights, the muscular econometrics! Oh, come and Melikian me all over, you big bear! I'm dying for it. Fifi. Box 222. Créteil.

Doesn't anyone want to come and look at my etchings? Call Jenny Cam, Box 5. New Jersey.

L, I stumbled but I did not fall. You owe me $2.5 million. S.

I'm a little oil painting, sweet, pure, petite, delicate, jewel-like, pale flesh tints, glossy hair, diaphanous skin, unblemished, beautifully proportioned. You're a short-sighted gullible millionaire with dubious judgement. £25 million and I'm yours. Call Pinkie. Box 40, Liverpool.

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