Mars bars more expensive than antique furniture

By Artnose art market correspondent, Trixie Twix

Mars bars (right) the popular chocolate treat which if eaten every day helps you work, rest and play, is now more expensive than fine antique furniture, new research has shown.  

The world famous Woodbridge Institute of Material Culture Research used a combination of state-of-the-art price-modelling tools such as Technical Object-based Standardised Heuristics (TOSH), Monetary Antiques Diagrams (MAD) and Graphic Universal Finance Functions (GUFF), to demonstrate that antique furniture had now fallen below the annual Mars bar index (see graph below). 

The Woodbridge researchers placed a basket of alternative assets, including house prices, the price of scrap silver, a handful of Impressionist paintings and the price of Eminem CDs and mixed them all together. They then divided the results by an orthogonal chocolate vector, crunched the numbers, counted the beans, kicked the tyres and peeled off the upper and lower margins to arrive at a mean, hedonic vanilla indicator. The results were "nothing less than astonishing", according to the head of the research institute, Dr Pandora Strontium, and will be published later this month in the journal, Lovely Chocolate - Price Guide and Reasons for Value.

Artnose asked Dr Strontium, 90, why Mars Bars had been chosen as a comparison against antique furniture. "We noticed that connoisseurs at the BACA Awards (British Antique Chocolate Appreciation Awards) were increasingly using chocolate as an eloquent metaphor for George III mahogany," said Dr Strontium. "Every week, some silver-tongued saleroom expert would turn up on Antiques Roadshow and enthuse about the 'lovely chocolate patina' on a Queen Anne chest, or 'the beautiful caramel colour' of a Sheraton veneer, so we decided to look more closely at chocolate. We put on the calories, but it was delicious," said Dr Strontium.

The Woodbridge Institute has concluded that it is now cheaper and more nutritious to eat Georgian mahogany furniture than Mars bars. The British Dental Association has endorsed the recommendations.

Trixie Twix

Put our mini-ad
on your website

home l archive l artists l critics l small ads l dating l links l letters l about