email: artnose editor

Above: Vitruvian Man by Aidan Potts 
(email: aidan at professorpotts dot com)

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Think about how many times you've wanted to take a leak when you're out and about but you can't because public conveniences have been so abused that they've become uninhabitable. Artnose cannot afford to employ a janitor because we have no venture capital to squander. So please leave the page in the condition in which you'd expect to find it.

For sale or rent

 Wanted

Studio required by impoverished artist. Must be spacious with unbroken views over Indian Ocean. Box 391

Vermeer for sale. Genuine article. Woman playing piano. Bit frayed at the edges, no frame. Good provenance. Cash only. No time-wasters. Call Dave on 0171 8888 3333

Bulldozer for hire. Box 2234

I have a full set of Rowney watercolours, unused, in box. Unwanted present. Any use to any of you  creative types? Stephanie, Box 232

Pruneface, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Chubby. xx 

Trailer for sale or rent. Also room to let, 50 cents. No pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Call King of the Road, Texas, 3535353

Two dozen three-legged chairs for sale following failed installation. Call Nigel on 07855 777 231455

I'm growing a rainforest on my head for the Sydney Biennale in 2004. I need an organic hypoallergenic fertiliser. No carcinogens. Contact Friedl Bischofberger (no relation), Zurich, Box 111

For sale: Vast Victorian purpose-built museum situated in London's sought-after South Kensington area. Over seven miles of corridors, comprising some 145 galleries. Ideal for redevelopment into shopping/health club/cinema multiplex. Roof leaking, some general building refurbishment required. Forced sale due to government cancellation of museum charges. Call Matt at Resource, 020 7273 1444.

For sale: My naked body. Colour of tinned tuna, lots of nasty cellulite, plus numerous unsightly blemishes and grotesque contusions. May be useful to artists interested in reaching new heights of unblinking realism. Lucian, I didn't mean what I said. Can I have another chance? Margaret Messerschmidt, Box 73.

For sale: Two thousand prosthetic limbs - arms, legs, hands. Many articulated, all disturbingly life-like. Call Ridley Scott on: 00 335 5353544 00012 

Model seeks female artist. Call Reg, Huddersfield 5675 

Very big fish tank needed, Contact Sandra, Box 943.

Avant garde film maker seeks actors willing to push the envelope. Together we can forge new ground. Seed money secured for feature length production. If you're uninhibited and weigh no more than 10 stone, call Ugo on Milan 45345353. Grazie

I need a set of watercolours. Call Daisy on 0208 777 7676543. Peace 

Turner Prize nominee seeks psychiatric help. Box 8080.

Artist's model required. Must be beautiful, with big ambitions. Call Allessandro 31 999 878765 23 (0) 1 

Would the person who pinched my bike from outside Ye Olde Tate Gallery last week, please give it back. It was a gift from David Hockney in 1971. Chain it to a tree outside the ICA and I won't press charges.

Three hundred grand buys you a share of my latest work, not yet made. Pogo. Box 202.

I'm researching a book on artists' pets. I need info on Gertrude Stein's dog, Mark Rothko's budgie and Suzanne Valadon's hamster. If you have first-hand anecdotes, I have a small amount of cash. Please call Dr Saffron Madd, Brookings Institute.

Are you ugly? If so, contact Tanya 'ski-jump' Tintoretto at the University of Florence, who is studying for a PhD on ugly people in Renaissance art. Tanya, Box 353, Ponte Vecchio. 

My late father was the janitor at the Castelli warehouse after Richard Serra's early experiments into splashing liquid lead into the corner of the room. Does anyone else have parents who have cleaned up after these so-called avant-gardistes? Write Suzy Propp, Convenor of the 'Children of Art Cleaners Ko-operative Self-Help International Therapy Group (CACKSHIT Group) Box 21 

Wanted: Ancient Greek sculptural fragments, formerly integral part of Parthenon (big old run-down building in Athens). Contact: Mrs Fredi Mercouri, Athens Ministry of Cultural Heritage.

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